The Many Realities of One Little Mouse (Humor)

Warning: Contains potentially offensive generalizations and strong language. It should go without saying that this is NOT meant to be taken seriously.

Reality: I walked into the kitchen at night and a small black blur ran past my foot and went under the oven. I got a mousetrap from my landlord.

Reality TV: I strolled into the kitchen at nightfall, only to recoil in terror as a fearsome beast of unknown origin leapt from the cabinets in a flash of teeth and fur before disappearing under the oven. I called my landlord, who arrived wearing only a Speedo and a smile.

Pagan Blog Reality: I was walking to the kitchen after moonrise, already deeply immersed in my evening contemplation of the Lady’s lunar energies, when a messenger of the Great Goddess appeared as a Sign before running under the oven. I left an offering of peanut butter on the little wooden altar my landlord thoughtfully brought for me before returning to my meditation.

Polytheist Blog Reality: Last night, I went into the kitchen and a mouse ran by my foot. So I spend the next hour googling which Deities are associated with mice, just in case Someone’s trying to get my attention. Then I spent another hour making Apollo fan art. I think somebody may have knocked on the door. Hey, who took my peanut butter??

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Reality: I went grocery shopping.

Reality TV: My extremely hip BFF drove me to Whole Foods in his convertible and proceeded to reenact the entirety of Hamlet while I selected my organic produce. Then we had a huge fight over his outdated and sexist depiction of Ophelia that ended in us being tossed out of the store by a very hunky security guard. Now I have to buy my produce from Walmart, and they’re not even one of my corporate sponsors * sad face *

Pagan Blog Reality: I went to the grocery store to restock my spice cabinet….again. It’s so annoying to have to dig most of my herbs out of unbleached teabags. 😦 The guy in the tea aisle looked at me like I had two heads when I asked if they sold mugwort. Honestly, you can’t get high from smoking it, you muggle!

Polytheist Blog Reality: I went to the grocery store. I think I did, anyway. I mean, I’m pretty sure I did, because now I have peanut butter. Not too sure where the rest of the grocery money went, but the entire Hellenic Pantheon is set for the next week! Man, I sure hope that mouse really was from Apollo.

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Reality: The mousetrap caught a mouse.

Reality TV: When I finally made it home with my questionably organic Walmart produce, I dropped it all over the floor when I saw the monster in the trap! It had huge fangs. I’m not sure if it’s dead or not, but I’m seriously triggered because of that one time when I was seven and the class bunny rabbit bit my finger instead of a carrot. I had a long session with Dr. Phil and I think I’m going to be okay, but if you really want to make sure, buy my new clothing line at my new corporate sponsor, Walmart!

Pagan Blog Reality: I was deeply saddened to see the cycle of life, death, and rebirth closing once more as the poor little messenger from the Goddess got stuck on the altar. I gave it a dignified burial and returned it to the earth, that its body may nourish the soil and the cycle be renewed. Journey in peace, little brother.

Polytheist Blog Reality: OH SHIT. Do I burn it? Do I bury it? Do I offer it to Apollo? What if it wasn’t from Apollo after all?? FUCKITY FUCK!